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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies? Disney movies can still touch children."

"What do you call shooting yourself in the face with jiz? Homo-cide"

"Did you know that if you pull off a lizard's tail it'll grow back? And if you pull it off again the lizard will be like, ""Dude, c'mon..."""

"Can one of you please tell my ex husband that I died? I feel like it would be more believable coming from someone other than me."

"A good listener always watches you speak, makes eye contact and never lets on he's thinking about something else."

"Whenever I'm waiting for an elevator & the door finally slides open I pretend I'm on a Game Show & just won a group of people"

"Sarcasm has to be the official language when we live in a world this absurd."

"I once auditioned for ""Man Laying Fertilizer"" in a commercial, and afterward, they asked me to do it again but to keep in mind hes straight."

"I was dating a girl with a lazy eye. Unfortunately I had to break up with her because she was seeing someone else on the side."

"As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie."