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Joke of the Day

"I wrote 2793 tweets in advance. So if I die tomorrow, you won't know until 2018."

"How do Amish guys know if its a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?"

"There are only 10 bad people in the world.. And i get Christmas cards from 9 of them."

"This grocery store is playing ""Freebird"" which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey."

"What are the cheapest kind of nuts? Deer nuts, they're under a buck."

"There are a lot of deadbeat dads out there trying to make up for lost time by ""liking"" their grown children's facebook updates."

"*Shrek pre-production meeting* Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet Guy who named the donkey ""Donkey"": I was thinking Dragon sir"

"How Many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to hold the ladder and ensure the safety of the second feminist who will unscrew the old lightbulb and replace it with a new one."

"I make more Freudian slips before 9am than most people do all gay."

"Knock knock? Who's there? ...It's Johnny, grandma... A single tear rolled down the boys face. Alzheimers was taking its hold on her."