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Joke of the Day

"My ex-wife still misses me... BUT 'ER AIM IS GETTIN' BETTER! ...'ER AIM IS GETTIN' BETTER! ......you see, i...it's funny because marriage is terrible."

"What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when someone told him to upgrade to Windows 7? I still love vista, baby"

"My girlfriend must think that I'm John Cena. She told me she's not seeing me anymore."

"What is the difference between a cop and a box of chocolates? Nothing. They'll both kill your dog."

"Two sausages are in a frying pan One sausage turns to the other and says, ""gettin' hot in here."" The other sausage turns and says, ""holy shit a talking sausage!"""

"How many millennials does it take to screw in a light bulb? 100. 1 to do it, and 99 to stand around saying the old one was better."

"Remember when you thought if you accidentally swallowed apple seeds, a tree would grow in your belly? God I miss my 'Thirties'...."

"Ladies, if you've ever walked by a van with no windows and you're reading this, it's because you're ugly."

"Free hugs* * having me let go will cost $10"

"Like Captain Ahab, I have my own white whale. But I have no one else to blame, I'm the one who married her."