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Joke of the Day

"What is the difference between a cop and a box of chocolates? Nothing. They'll both kill your dog."

"I left work yesterday at 4:59 instead of 5:00 I was technically leaving early, but the difference was minute."

"[at dinner] Wife: This is terrible. Me: Horrible. Waiter: Hey folks, how's your food? (simultaneously) Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!"

"I worry that people who say ""I'll sleep when I'm dead"" may have missed a Science class or two."

"Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can't pronounce that so I just call it a pill box."

"My friend said I twist everything to my advantage. I took it as a compliment."

"They say cow manure come from males. But that's bullshit."

"Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa."

"They say that it's tough to learn Bosnian because it has seven verb tenses: six past one present and no future."

"Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you're finishing a marathon."