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Joke of the Day

"Addiction therapist: You've tweeted 36k tweets in a year. Me: Yeah, so? Therapist: What are you paying me for? Me: Material. Therapist: ..."

"I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, 'cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools."

"Christians have the first name Christian, Muslims Mohammed, Jews Isaac, what boys name do atheist have? Godfrey"

"What does a Trumpie say when they see video of Trump saying the N-word? ""I can't believe how racist Shillary is for showing this video."""

"What did the redneck get on his SAT? Drool."

"In honor of Pi Day: Who founded the round table? Sir Cumference"

"Why did the bin lorry crash into a bunch of pedestrians? It was Bin-Laden"

"Told my wife that joining the Mile High Club is on my bucket list. She said she didn't give a flying fuck."

"[At the first thanksgiving] Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us Natives: we didnt give you land? Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*"

"*puts on strapless bra *takes an extra Prozac"