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Joke of the Day

"Addiction therapist: You've tweeted 36k tweets in a year. Me: Yeah, so? Therapist: What are you paying me for? Me: Material. Therapist: ..."

"Be careful who you trust, the devil was once an angel."

"What's similar between a racehorse and a leaky faucet? They're both off and running."

"One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like ""Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?"""

"She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood. Phlegm fatale, they called her."

"I never understood why it was popular in AOL chatrooms back in the day to ask if others had neurodegenerative diseases.... Squishyquake81: ""Hi, ASL"""

"Samsung is permanently stopping production of the Galaxy Note7. At least it went out with a bang."

"I don't think any of us would have made it to a life boat on Titanic."

"My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they're building a Jenga puzzle. Have kids. It's fun."

"Q: How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: What ? Go all the way up there and come back empty ? You must be jokin' mate !"