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Joke of the Day

"A pirate with Alzheimer's sold his parrot The next day he woke up and shouted ""Where's my ship!?"""

"If the fate of the world ever depended on me opening a new plastic grocery or produce bag in under a minute, we'd all be dead."

"What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest? A suicide vest actually accomplishes something after it's triggered."

"I sat next to this attractive Thai girl on the train... I kept thinking *don't get an erection*,*don't get an erection*, but she did."

"Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten: 1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10"

"My Pope joke effort Tried to buy some of the second hand stuff the Pope's selling on Vatican eBay but the payment service is down. Fucking Papal."

"Insulting me gets you nowhere. Plus, it makes you look fat."

"Jews be like Nah Way is Jesus the son of God And Christians be like Yahwah!"

"Just overheard someone say, ""I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries."" You know. Like a book."

"My dumb friend told me the 'pull my finger' joke ends w you farting, NOT shitting your pants. He's wrong, right? RIGHT???"