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Joke of the Day

"If the fate of the world ever depended on me opening a new plastic grocery or produce bag in under a minute, we'd all be dead."

"I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn't seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention."

"Oxygen went on a date with potassium. It went OK."

"What's Dee Barnes favourite headphones? Beats by Dre"

"What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk? A Milk Dud."

"What's the greatest gift you could give to a trashcan? A baby."

"A mexican walks into a wall, what breaks first? His lawnmower. A jew runs into a wall, what breaks first? His nose."

"I hold my 440mL Pepsi can in the same way i hold my iPhone 5 With regret"

"New, cuter name I came up with for dog shit: ""Snoopy poopy. """

"A reality show where the contestants arent allowed to say ""at the end of the day"" ""I'm not here to make friends"" or ""threw me under the bus"""