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Joke of the Day

"""Damn girl are you a dam, girl? Cuz your water just broke haha"" yes we will go to the hospital in a minute honey, jesus christ im tweeting"

"I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama."

"Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up."

"What do you call a Knight that cuts beef? Sir Loin."

"My girlfriend told me to ""tread lightly."" So when I ran over her, I drove really slow."

"I'll always be here for you.... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I'll be over there for you."

"I've invented a new sex position: the 114 I was 69ing with this girl wen her husband came home and shoved a 45 up my ass"

"A load of geese caused a massive pile up on my way to work, What a bunch of flocking idiots."

"What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One will see you later and the other will see you in a while."

"Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?"