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Joke of the Day

"""Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?"" - The Honest Applebees Server"

"He took me from a bar. He took me in his car....... He took me from a bar. He took me in his car. He took my top off. He puts his lips on mine, but don't worry: I'm a bottle of wine!"

"Come Party! I tried to host a bukakke party... but nobody came."

"Ey gurl, is your name Andromeda? Because you got a heavenly body! It's 5:50AM and I still can't sleep."

"What's the worst animal to play cards with? A cheetah. Because it'll rip your fucking face off."

"Me and my ex-girlfriend just weren't meant to be together, she was a Capricorn... and I don't believe in bullshit"

"[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work] So the actors really don't die? ""No"" So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead? *she sighs*"

"How do you say goodbye to German cheese? Velveetazane"

"RIP Jordin Sparks She had no air"

"If we are talking and I reach up and slowly turn my bear suit head around backward, our conversation is over."