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Joke of the Day

"I'm always good at figuring out who dies first in a movie but sometimes directors fuck with me by casting too many black people..."

"Did you hear about the American Indian who was in a tea drinking contest? They found him the next morning lying in his tea pee."

"I want to give a shoutout to the sidewalks... ...for keeping me off the streets"

"""Can't beat fresh apple pie"" she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. ""Wrong"" I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER."

"My Girlfriend thought we should get Friends With Benefits. I dumped her, I can't stand Justin Timberlake."

"I get so fustrated when people say ""supposably"" or ""irregardless"" I feel like I'm literally drownding"

"As an organ donor I wonder if there's some box I can check that might prevent my organs from keeping Dick Cheney alive?"

"A leopard can carry something twice its weight into a tree and a cougar can carry something half her age to bed."

"When I explained Twitter to my mother she said, ""Sounds like group therapy where no one's getting better."" Well played, Mom. Well played."

"Today I found ought I was adopted... but they gave me back."