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Joke of the Day

"My wife said she wanted to be treated like a princess So I put her into the back of a Mercedes and drove her into a wall."

"How to catch a polar bear: 1) Cut a hole in the ice. 2) Carefully place peas in a circle around the hole. 3) Hide and wait. 4) When the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice-hole."

"It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I'm home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter. Let's pray for her."

"What was the suicide bomber greeted by in the afterlife? A group of 40 other suicide bombers."

"48% of soda fountains tested positive for possible fecal contamination, meaning it's likely you've unknowingly been drinking cream soda."

"My roommate is painting and makes a mistake... Him: ""gah why can't I Ctrl-z!?"" My inner dad: ""because z is a rouge letter"""

"Still shocked that people kill themselves without first eating nothing but cheesecake for a week, THEN killing themselves."

"RSVP: yes no yes now but then no later on"

"People call me lazy because I sleep 13 hours a day But to be fair, Jesus slept for three days straight and that started a religion."

"Ay girl are you a fire truck? Because your really loud and fucking annoying."