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Joke of the Day

"Still shocked that people kill themselves without first eating nothing but cheesecake for a week, THEN killing themselves."

"They say I have a drinking problem. All I have been trying to do is drain the liquor down the toilet. Through my body."

"What do you call a song being played 100 yards away that makes people pass out? Faint music."

"The more you run over a cat... the flatter it gets."

"""Serving size: half sandwich."" Really, ice-cream sandwich manufacturers? I know what you're doing. And I don't like it."

"Her: Oh, you brought me flowers! Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard..."

"Why do Chihuahuas have such short necks? Because their heads are so close to their bodies!"

"Now I can't wear my nude crystal dress this weekend. Thanks, Rihanna."

"[JanSport keynote address] (audience grumbling) ""where is he?"" *CEO emerges from backpack on stage* *crowd goes nuts*"

"Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex Me: Yeah Gf: I'm having twins Me suspiciously: We only did it once why's there two babies"