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Joke of the Day

"Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy."

"I don't think playing catch with the kid was the problem so much as the fact that I kept dropping him."

"When I die, I want to pass peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa Not screaming in petrified terror, like his passengers."

"Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That's cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good."

"My ex is going to make some guy very happy one day but completely miserable the rest of the time."

"Why can't cats live on Mars ? Because Curiosity kills the cat."

"Twitter's new ""local"" feature tells me that ""goodmorning"" and ""nowthatsghetto"" are trending here in Washington. Wow. This is a game-changer."

"Members of my family suffer from a medical condition called ""death,"" but it only strikes late in life."

"I love when a girl posts a selfie with ""no filter"" but the shit is so blown out you can't even see her nose."

"A Roman walks into a bar He holds two fingers up to the barman and says ""five beers please"""