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Joke of the Day

"A man asks a trainer in the gym: ""I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?"" Trainer replies: ""Use the ATM"""

"Poison control sounds pretty easy. Most poisons can't even move."

"Lassie runs up to Farmer Fred *Bark!* What is it Lassie? *Bark! Bark bark!* What's that girl? Timmy fell down a well! *Bark! Bark bark woof!* Right! I'll say you were here with me the whole time."

"""Why do bad things happen to good people?"" To even out the good things that happen to bad people."

"H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare? M: I'm OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest H: We're talking about floors M: HR again?"

"Thank you, pencil sharpeners! For always making a good point."

"I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song"

"What is the best thing to take when you're run over? The number of the car that hit you."

"Ronda Rousey is the only MMA fighter I can't fap to. She's the only one that finishes before I do."

"The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right."