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Joke of the Day

"I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song"

"[Calling concert venues across the country] Hi yes, I'm just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled ""weekend"" incorrectly"

"My kid's favorite joke right now: Knock knock. Who's there? I eat mop. ... omg that is SO gross"

"What do you call a bat in a hurry? A racing club"

"How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a circle and tell her to go to the corner."

"Think you know guilt? *takes long drag on cigarette* I'm the wildebeest who killed Mufasa. *exhales* I hear Simba's screams every night."

"Why don't Canadians do well on Wheel of Fortune? Because the host gets confused when they say ""I'd to buy a vowel eh."""

"Sweatpants and a hoodie: Sexy and I know it, but too lazy to show it."

"Unexplainable things: 1) Stonehenge 2) ESP 3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them"

"How do you get down off an Elephant? You don't. You get down off a duck."