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Joke of the Day

"I was going to record a video of me playing the violin but... I didn't want to fiddle with the camera"

"Facebook needs a button that's the equivalent of kicking someone under the table to stop them from making a fool of themselves."

"Parrot gets around"

"*interrogating a baby* ""Any first words?"""

"I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East."

"I'm rubber, you're glue. I'm destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses"

"But I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more to be the man who walked 1000 miles to get away from you. I want a divorce."

"I tried planting some seeds on myself... I wasn't into it at first, but now it's growing on me."

"A good looking girl waved at me today... but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her."

"Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult."