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Joke of the Day

"You see two puppies. ""Awwwww!"" But they're cannibal puppies! ""Ahhhhhhh!"" One puppy eats the other! ""Ewwwww!"" Then he takes a nap. ""Awwwww!"""

"The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn't have been much use in Vietnam."

"Why was the phone wearing glasses?... Because it lost all its contacts!"

"[Personal ad] Seeking hostile female rage rhino to suffocate me with her thighs. Smoker's cough a plus. Oxygen tank required. No crazies."

"This Just In For News A man apparently, we assume, was black, and we assume, was shot, and we assume, by a police officer. More details, we assume, later."

"Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up."

"If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone. In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them."

"Robin Williams apparently commited suicide last night. His brothers, Venus and Serena, are said to be distraught."

"What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide!"

"I made a shirt out of pushpins... ...because I wanted to look sharp. But everyone said it was just tacky."