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Joke of the Day

"I got the job even though I kept telling them I'm not a plumber. It took awhile to sink in."

"If these seasonal allergies don't kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will."

"Who has one thumb and survived a band saw accident? This guy!!!"

"My horoscope read ""You're going places and you can't be stopped."" Apparently the cop who gave me a ticket hadn't read it."

"I stole a futon from a shop. I think the police are after me, so I have been lying low."

"It just seems crazy that the final apocalypse could be started by a guy who says ""You're fired"" every time he launches a nuke."

"How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? None, because feminists cant change anything."

"Mechanic : your motor is losing power and it won't last long. Me : you been talking to my wife bro?"

"If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes"

"I'm always behind the person at McDonald's who acts like they've never seen the menu in their life"