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Joke of the Day

"COWORKER: how old is our boss? ME: cut him in half & count the rings CW: doesn't that only work on trees? ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE'S 38"

"""Help me, I'm slowly turning into a ghost from the top down."" -Mrs. Butterworth"

"I just bought a bottle of Drano... Well that was $4 down the drain."

"What did the ocean say? Nothing, he just waved."

"I was awakened with a blowjob today I need to start sleeping with my mouth closed."

"Morning meeting about improving communication cancelled because not everyone knew about it. I wish I could make this up."

"ME: let me be frank DAD: [eyes widen] ME: and if you say hi Frank I'm dad, I'm gonna be real pissed DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed"

"missed connection: you walked by my house and saw me drinking from the hose. please respond with the hose color so I know it's you"

"What do you call a loaf baked in a zoo? Bread in captivity."

"""I'm paying a woman to fist my mouth"" is the way I choose to describe going to the dentist tomorrow."