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Joke of the Day

"I got caught torrenting ""Free Fallin"", ""American Girl"", and ""Wildflowers"" They charged me with first degree Petty Theft."

"By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before. I hope it was worth it."

"Pizza is like sex When it's good, it's the best. When it's bad, it's still pretty good"

"Him: ""Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?"" Me: ""no."" Him: ""well, what kind of chips would you prefer?"""

"What did the hobo get for Christmas? Nothing."

"Someone told me Canada had no territories... I was having Nunavut."

"So another way of saying a no-brainer would be...? A Kurt-Cobainer..."

"If I was gonna kill myself, I'd fly a helicopter into the sun. It'd be badass. Babes would weep for the carnal possibilities they missed."

"I can always tell how good my weekend was by how many pictures I have to untag on Monday."

"What has gas, liquid and solids on it at the same time? Uranus."