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Joke of the Day

"Dad is obsessive compulsive about his vinyl and owns every single Beatles record except for one.. I think he needs Help."

"Descartes walks into a bar... The bartender asks, ""can I get you a drink"" to which Descartes replies, ""I think not"" and *poof* Descartes disappears."

"My kid just randomly recited my wife's cell phone number that we had no idea he knew. Now we're getting fitted for suits and hitting Vegas."

"He said the spark between us was gone, so I tasered him. I'll ask him again when he wakes up."

"Civil War Jokes? Most of them are General-Lee stupid."

"Everything is made from matter... That's why everything matters."

"What did M. Night Shyamalan say about a duck's penis? What a twist."

"214 of the 234 girls rescued in Nigeria from Boko Haram are pregnant? The other 20 girls must feel pretty fucking ugly."

"Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison? He's a small medium at large."

"Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended."