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Joke of the Day

"My kid just randomly recited my wife's cell phone number that we had no idea he knew. Now we're getting fitted for suits and hitting Vegas."

"Winnie the pooh just died. I know, its hard to bear"

"""Dammit. I had shit planned today."" -- a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper"

"Why did Adrian Peterson sign with the Minnesota Twins? Because they needed a switch-hitter."

"Knock knock [OC] Who's there? Bloop Bloop who Gross! what did you eat?"

"If it's true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?"

"What do you call a raft full of black people? Smoke on the water. ... My most sincere apologies."

"friend: ""we should have a drink sometime"" *never contacts them again*"

"It's almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex ""I have to tell you something"" then shut my phone off."

"I like my women like I like my coffee Filled with cream"