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Joke of the Day

"An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It's a wonder children can sleep at all."

"Yelp* now has jail reviews. (true) Felon87: Try for Block C. Great ambient lighting, management is courteous & the risotto is 'to die for'."

"When someone tells me, ""I think of you as family,"" I assume I'm about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago."

"Big explosion down at the Cheese factory today... I guess it completely leveled the place, All that was left was Da Brie."

"What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use some lube"

"What do you call a disabled kid in a hot car A vegetable"

"Him: What traumatic event lead to you not believing in god? Me: oh, um, science."

"What do you call the security guards outside a Samsung factory? Guardians of the Galaxy"

"How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poker face..."

"A box from IKEA came to my door, sent from this tourist girl I've been on two dates with. I don't think she understood when I said I wanted a one-night stand"