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Joke of the Day

"My special power is reading about a disease and developing all the related symptoms within an hour."

"I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping ever since."

"I don't work here. I'm a consultant."

"*whispers to businessman sleeping next to me on bus* Sleep tight precious angel"

"A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real."

"ME: Excuse me...Where's the rowing boat equipment? EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle. ME: EMPLOYEE: ME: EMPLOYEE: ME: Or you'll what?"

"On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door."

"Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine"

"What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking? You slow down and use lube ( )"

"I Like My Vaginas Like My Two Favorite Clint Eastwood Movies Dirty Harry and Every Which Way but Loose"