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Joke of the Day

"Sometimes a man has needs that can't be fulfilled in the home. [goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]"

"What's the difference between a Ferrari and a dead hooker? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage"

"Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you're going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second."

"Meant to type fairy godmother but wound up typing fairy gothmother and holy shit what a great band name that would be."

"What is the difference between a pizza and a Jew? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven"

"What's the difference between a man's balls and Jehovah's Witnesses? There's none. They both knock on the door, but never goes in!"

"Me: Excuse me, where's the rowing boat equipment? Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle. Me: ... Employee: ... Me: Or you'll what?"

"Apparently Mr. Skeltal joined the band Imagine Dragons. I heard they were going back to their doots."

"To enjoy gossip you really need to have a sense of rumour."

"I look suspicious doing anything. You could walk in on me heating up a hot pocket and my face could look like I just murdered my family."