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Joke of the Day

"ME: You've put on weight DRACULA: No I haven't. Prove it ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into? DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload"

"There's a fine line between being tan and looking like you were rolled in Doritos."

"Teacher- ""Are you chewing boy?!!..."" ""This is the worst blowjob i received all day"""

"A great way to de-stress is to get in a car & drive til ur in a new town & ur name is Geoff. Doesnt matter if ur a boy or girl, ur Geoff now"

"I felt a rush of culture shock wash over me as I walked through a middle eastern market It was bazaar"

"My little girl loves helping me when I'm doing the cooking, because I always let her lick the spoon. The sooner she's old enough to buy her own heroin, the better."

"My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning."

"To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. 'cause if you get any closer, I'm gonna assume you do and give you one."

"If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you'll be dead soon."

"If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet."