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Joke of the Day

"I've been up for 20 hours. There's no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training."

"sometimes i get frustrated because u cant put numbers in caps 12 am I screaming? you'll never know"

"Me: What are the lyrics to every 80s sitcom I've ever seen Brain: Coming right up Me: Remember to pay that bill Brain: Nope"

"I'm a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I'm your man."

"I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notices that there's a new version of itself."

"opening a deli called ""Work"" a steakhouse caled ""The Gym"" adn a fried chicken place caled ""A Funeral"" for ppl who like to eat & need excuses"

"Why are there no casinos in China? Because the Chinese don't like Tibet..."

"What do you call bears without ears? B."

"What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto."

"When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating"