195045

Joke of the Day

"When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating"

"I was looking into the sky and I thought, why does that plane look bigger the closer it gets... then it hit me."

"What did the gay guy say to the scared straight guys? ""You guys are fucking pussies!"""

"""My fellow Americans, I have authorized action to degrade and destroy Adobe's ability to push updates to devices."" [Cheering in streets]"

"My girlfriend might not be the sharpest girl around. I accidentally left my phone at her house last night. I went back over to get it and saw she had texted me 5 times telling me I forgot it."

"If you're forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you've got another Thing coming."

"My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support."

"Rules for meeting a puppy: 1 be cool 2 pet it 3 do not steal it 4 stop running from the owner 5 put it down 6 this isn't worth jail time"

"What has 99 legs and one tooth? The front row at a Willie Nelson concert."

"This morning I saw a lady scraping the ice off her wind shield with her credit card. ..She's not going to make any progress at that rate."