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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between a priest and acne? Acne waits until a boy is at least 14 before coming on his face."

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"#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. - Yakov Smirnoff"
"What do you call a pessimistic pelican? A pelican't."
"How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to suck my dick."
"Don't forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else's house and telling everyone it's yours, then closing the post office."
"What do a pedophile and a Pokemon master have in common? They both have a collection of CP"
"Watching my mom use an iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try and contact her dead grandma on a Ouija board."
"ME: OMG I CAN'T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR HER: do you want dessert? ME: ok, but just a small slice."
"Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't Budget<drops mic> Ironically I'm an Accountant and have Chron's so this is not my problem."
"I eat a lot of grapes. I'm basically a wino with no patience."
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