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Joke of the Day

"[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses] HER: So what kind of car do you drive? ME: A bookmobile."

"What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common? They are both living off of dead beatles."

"The phrase ""watching paint dry"" should be replaced with ""listening to people talk about brewing their own beer."""

"Microwaves don't need to give warning beeps after cooking the food - the last thing I'm going to do is forget I just made pizza rolls."

"Thai masseuses are deceitful bitches Give them a chance and they'll walk all over you"

"I'm on that ""I don't give a fuck diet."" I've lost 10 assholes already."

"Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other stuff wrong with my car I'd turn the radio down."

"Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich"

"A salmon that jumps on the hook for ya http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdAoQvqh7eY"

"Why is everyone complaining about Mayweather? We're only 4 days in and I think it's been just fine"