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Joke of the Day

"I'll have a club sandwich on rye. Hold the mayo. Cuddle the mustard. Whisper soft words of confidence to the lettuce. Make love to the onion"

"When I'm feeling athletic, I go to a sports bar"

"I wish crappy people weren't allowed to like my favorite band."

"My son asked me what humble means. I told him it means pretending you're not better than everybody else."

"I had a near death experience and I saw heaven. There were people screaming and there was fire everywhere."

"two year old comes up to me asking if I've seen a dummy, unaware that she's just set herself up for the most brutal slam of her little life."

"She said: ""I want to have your children."" . Me: ""They'll be on the first bus in the morning."""

"They say there is safety in numbers tell that to 6 million jews"

"Whenever we eat hummus my girlfriend always says to me.... HUMMUS IS YUMMUS!!!!!"

"Joke for any location... I was at a ""place of religion or race"" the other day going through some magazines... ... I was perfectly happy till my rifle jammed."