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Joke of the Day

"two year old comes up to me asking if I've seen a dummy, unaware that she's just set herself up for the most brutal slam of her little life."

"My boss just sent me the heart eyes emoji. Since we're clearly being honest with each other I replied with a monkey with a gun to its head."

"Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy. Me: Did it work?"

"My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate."

"one plus one equals a window"

"When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can't get over the fence"

"My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed."

"Why is heaven a paradise for the common man? Because all the politicians are in hell."

"A line for cops who pull over attractive drunk models If I could put you in the alphabet, I would go D U I and that's why I'm a writer, I look forward to your hatred of bad jokes"

"""Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in"" *Drives ex-son to homeless shelter"