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Joke of the Day

"Apparently trapping people in an elevator overnight (even if you have marsh mellows) not a good way to make friends, people are so sensitive"

"JUST ONCE MORE! PLEEEEEEASE? I PROMISE THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME! LET ME DO IT AND I'LL NEVER ASK AGAIN! -Liam Neeson pitching ""Taken 3"""

"Me: Good night, moon. [30 mins later] Moon: I thought you went to bed. I saw you favorite that tweet. Why aren't you reading my messages?"

"Aaron Hernandez will be just fine They're always drafting tight ends in prison."

"What's brown and sticky? Seriously. Guess."

"I wasn't able to apply for a job in the Endoscopy unit... ... it was internal application only."

"I have a strong relationship with the flying spaghetti monster... ...but it's strained to say the least"

"I was going to use the new machine in the gym But I found out it only sold protein bars"

"So far, not a single girl I've asked is interested in a fling. I don't think they trust my human catapult."

"My signature sex move is flirting like a pornstar then getting awkward as fcuk once it looks like something could actually happen."