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Joke of the Day

"Q. What did the Syrians use to light their homes before candles? A. Electricity."

"Martin Shkreli in jail: ""Can I have an aspirin?"" Jail: ""Yes. That will be $197,000."""

"I always thought a shih tzu was... a zoo without animals."

"[interviewing cave bat] me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down? Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one."

"Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."

"I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn't answered a phone call since 2008."

"I'm not saying my ex wasn't pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture."

"What's the worst question you can ask a blind date? ""So.. you seeing anyone?"""

"I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that'll come back to bite me."

"What do Winnie the Pooh and Jack the Ripper have in common? They both have the same middle names."