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Joke of the Day

"Interviewer: may we contact your previous employers? [cut to the giant grave in the desert where I buried them all] Me: lol you could try"

"There are marriages that end well... ...and others that last forever."

"When I have kids I'm going to tearfully serve them scrambled eggs smothered in ketchup & tell them it's Humpty Dumpty."

"Does anyone remember that show where Ron Howard was a kid with a paper route? Probably not. Opie delivered."

"Did you know that a stake through the heart kills humans too?"

"I just ate two French eggs... I think one is un oeuf"

"Do you know the difference ""Hey, do you know what the difference is between window curtains and toilet paper?"" ""No."" ""So it was you then!!!"""

"What is the frat guy's favorite ion? Bromide"

"Did you know Avatar is a sequel to Titanic? It picks up where Titanic left off, in the sense that half the cast is blue and dying. Obligatory edit: Frontpage on /r/jokes! Wohooo!"

"Monday, you deplete me."