29079

Joke of the Day

"Forgot to turn on the oven. Food's been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer."

"Why did the hypothalamus want to join a band? Because it had great circadian rhythms."

"I was trying to think of a joke about Vietnam.... but then I realized people might find tet offensive."

"Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I'm the jerk..."

"Dogs are perfect napkins because they just think you're petting them."

"Politicians are like coolant... Anti-frees"

"[My band playing on stage] New GF's friend: Which one is the boy you've been seeing? New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died"

"My girlfriend didn't think I could make a car out of spaghetti... So I drove pasta."

"Why do SJW's hate Programmers? They objectify everything."

"Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster Therapist: go on Me: oh so you're taking her side now"