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Joke of the Day

"Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster Therapist: go on Me: oh so you're taking her side now"

"Did you hear about the woman who drowned in semen? She had it coming."

"My wife thinks I'm cheating on her. Because none of our kids look like her."

"The best part of waking up is... nothing. Waking up blows. Fuck you, Folgers."

"what do my ex and my toilet have in common? They both keep bringing up old shit"

"""Dear Gillette, 5 blades on the Fusion is enough, chill out."" -Seal"

"I'm pretty sure that spiders have figured out that I'm terrified of them, and have created a game to see who can make me flip out the most."

"My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don't even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store."

"How to cure affluenza? Introduce him to Warhammer."

"My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much But in the end it doesn't even matter"