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Joke of the Day

"Why did the hypothalamus want to join a band? Because it had great circadian rhythms."

"I thought my watch ran out of battery power... It scared me for a second."

"What does a jock douchebag and a strict catholic have in common? They're both obsessed with their mass every day."

"I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life."

"What is the sound of a homophobic magician? ""POOF!"""

"How do you get a Harvard Graduate off your porch? You pay him for the pizza."

"Why do parrots carry umbrellas? So they don't become polly-saturated!"

"How many minutes after someone's fired is it cool to take their stapler?"

"*has argument with husband* *brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011* *adds ""Historian"" to bio*"

"Last rites? Over my dead body..."