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Joke of the Day

"Guys who go see 50 Shades of Grey... Do you all remain seated an extra 30 min after the movie's done? "

"Are you alright? No. You're all....left"

"If I were Brian Cranston every day I'd drive to Jiffy Lube & say ""I dunno it just seems to be braking bad!"" Then we would laugh & do meth."

"[alternate reality] [dogs walking their humans on leashes] dog1: have u heard of upman? dog2: whats upman? dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?"

"Police arrested two kids yesterday One was drinking battery acid, the other one eating fireworks. They carged one - and let the other one off."

"Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either."

"Why do people prefer shooting stars to vegetables? Because they're meteor"

"The Starbucks in my town just hired a Jewish barista... He brews."

"Most people know that Descarte said, ""I think, therefore I am."" What most people don't know is that that quote continues, ""......afraid of Chuck Norris."""

"I feel bad for people who suck at simulations. You can say, for them, i feel... Sim-pathetic! (Ba-dum-tuss)"