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Joke of the Day

"What is the difference between animal abuse and animal cruelty? . . . The size of your dick."

"My bologna has a first name, and a second name, and a fake name, and a sexy nickname, and exactly none of them are your business so go away."

"Sometimes you have to cook ur own food and jerk off in front of your girl to show her that she can be replaced."

"Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in? Me: Is married a number? That's how I get the good meds..."

"I got catcalled by the garbagemen outside my house this morning... They know a good piece of trash when they see one."

"I wrote a book on DIY. It comes with a free pen."

"My sister and I decided that we want to start our own businesses. She's going to open a furniture store called 'Sofa King' and I'm going to open a soup restaurant next door called 'Stew Pit'."

"Why was the attorney kicked out of choir? All she could sing was, ""Law, law, law, law, law, law, law."""

"The only thing standing between me and greatness, is millions of people who are more talented and want it more."

"To the woman with the screaming kids in Walmart: If you're wondering how the condoms got in your cart....You're welcome"