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Joke of the Day

"Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in? Me: Is married a number? That's how I get the good meds..."

"I can bench 170 lbs. And by that I mean I can sit myself down on a bench in a pretty park."

"A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff. ""Baa-Dum-Tss"""

"[kids fighting in the back seat] ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON'T CUT IT OUT."

"If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn't mean I'm stalking you...It just means you haven't looked nice in awhile"

"Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony."

"After years in the Military, the soldier survived mustard gas and pepper spray and was proud to finally be able to call himself a seasoned veteran."

"I've whittled my Starbucks order down to 11 minutes so don't you dare tell me about sacrifice."

"Actual voice mail: ""Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don't know how to make the facey-things so...happy face at the end."""

"Why did the Mexican push his wife off teh cliff? tequila"