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Joke of the Day

"It's good to know how to jerk off sometimes... It comes in handy."

"If a tree falls down in the woods... But nobody is around to hear it. Does a hipster still buy the album?"

"My coat is so covered with dog fur that someone's probably going to throw red paint on me at some point today."

"You might as well shoot for the stars because... Best case scenario you succeed and are immediately vaporized into nothing. Worst case scenario you miss and fade into the endless void of nothing."

"Did you hear about those chicken proof yards? They're impeckable."

"I've been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!"

"[couples therapy] HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart ME: *covering my Yoda doll's ears* Hear you he can, Karen"

"Wife just said ""burgs"" instead of ""burgers"" and now I'm a little scared to think of what she's going to do with all the time she saved."

"What did the pizza say to the pizza cutter? Wanna pizza me?"

"Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He tried to work it out with a slide rule."