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Joke of the Day

"You might as well shoot for the stars because... Best case scenario you succeed and are immediately vaporized into nothing. Worst case scenario you miss and fade into the endless void of nothing."

"I lovingly caress my belly. ""You're expecting?"" a woman asks. I smile serenely. ""Just ate an amazing burrito,"" I tell her."

"""Hey Daddy!!! Watch what I can do!!"" - aaaaaaaaand hospital."

"I think it's about time we stopped accepting Quasimodo and demanded 100% modo."

"Your mama's so poor When god created light she was already two months behind on her bill."

"This silence is far from golden... which reminds me. I need to shower."

"A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I'm like 'Well, your Dad's an alcoholic. Scram!'"

"I see there's going to be a new PeeWee Herman movie on Netflix. It's a good thing it won't be in theaters."

"I want to go to the afterlife to ask Robin Williams, ""How's it hanging?"" I'm not sorry."

"*tries to mount a horse* Horse: ""I have a boyfriend."""