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Joke of the Day

"According to all these ""note to self"" sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean"

"So I was wondering whether any of my friends could possibly teach me quidditch... ...and then I thought, ""wait a minute, I know one. Oliver would""."

"""Let's call it a day."" I don't know what else you'd call it. Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid. ""Lets call it a turtle."" See?"

"My ex-girlfriend often told me to stop being so competitive. Like I was ever going to let her come first."

"Turns out today is Star Wars day... May the fourth be with you."

"In bed my wife calls my Jimmy John's. I cum freaky fast."

"Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?"

"you live and learn, me, i try to die and unlearn as much possible. thats the difference between you and me, those things"

"What kind of party do prisoners in jail like most of all. A going-away party."

"Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians.. .. It's called Trydixagain."