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Joke of the Day

"911: What's your emergency? Me: Whatcha dooooin'? 911: Sir, are you in danger? Me: *giggles* You're always so worried, but I'm fine, silly"

"If you plan a surprise party for me, I'll freak out that you mixed friends from all the separate facets of my life, and start killing people"

"I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, ""How flexible are you?"" I said, ""I can't make Tuesdays."""

"How can you tell how hard a nigga is? By the number of niggabytes in his hard drive."

"Can you eat me out? What are you doing?! I just wanted some of your pot brownie."

"I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn't for me"

"Dating: *prances around in underwear and his t-shirt* Marriage: *Unzips footed unicorn onesie* Do you think this mole is cancer?"

"Most of my time is spent trying to work ""That's So Raven"" into everyday conversation."

"Q. How do you confuse a blonde? A. Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner."

"My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I've slept with. ""Eleven,"" I replied. ""Wow! You must be a player,"" she laughed. ""No,"" I said, ""I'm their coach."""