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Joke of the Day

"I wonder what the chimpanzee who will one day feast on your eyes and fingers is doing today."

"Turn yoga class into hot yoga by chasing everyone around with a blow torch."

"I was at an airport recently and there was a aircraft that was pure white. Looked pretty plane to me."

"My boyfriend said we can't hang out this weekend because he doesn't exist."

"Sir, your resume is just a picture of you photoshopped into a quidditch match. No need for an interview, welcome to the White House"

"When a tramp, covered in his own piss shouts at you, you don't take it personally. So why are you ever offended by idiots on Twitter?"

"*maintains eye contact while checking 'Dating Librarians For Dummies' out from the library."

"Two words that would mean the end of Twitter - Miley Bieber."

"I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream."

"I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him."