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Joke of the Day

"ME: So you indicate action using airstrikes? HER: What? No, I said asterisks. ME: Ha, of course. [to walkie-talkie] Disengage. DISENGAGE!"

"What did Arnold Schwarzenegger do after he retired? He became an ex-terminator!"

"Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn't seen him much lately"

"You haven't seen a woman overreact until you've told a woman she's overreacting."

"What race is the author of Charlotte's Web? E B White"

"How do you get your partner to give you head? Put them in a guillotine."

"Women are like sand. The deeper you go, the wetter they get."

"Turkey bacon is a lot like normal bacon except that IT'S NOT AND IT NEEDS TO GO BACK TO HELL, WHERE IT CAME FROM."

"When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?"

"Why do women wear striped bras? Because it's a ZEBRA."