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Joke of the Day

"""Is that your dog?"" ""No, actually she's adopted... we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"""

"Shout out to my neighbors for the 2:00 am fireworks; I hope you enjoyed my 7:00 am weed whacking."

"It's no fun when someone you're ignoring ignores you back."

"Why'd the British man cross the ocean? Freedom."

"HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers? ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down."

"Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!"

"The human body is 70% water and 30% land"

"How do you call a gay person from Russia? Sergei."

"Why did the engineer put a clock under his desk? He wanted to work overtime."

"What do you call a German with a cold?"