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Joke of the Day

"Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It's what he would have wanted."

"What makes Kirby a great all-around fighter? He's all round."

"What is the easiest way to kill a gaggle of black men? Tie watermelons to the bottom of a lake"

"How do you identify the head waitress at a restaurant? She's the one wearing knee pads."

"Do fish get thirsty?"

"How do bros want their drinks? NOICE!!!!"

"For some people, blood on the toothbrush is a sign of gum disease.... ...But for me it's a sign of a healthy abortion."

"[Produce Aisle] Sir, we're going to have to ask you to leave. *mouthful of like 20 grapes * ""That lady took one too!!"""

"It's been so long, I think my virginity is growing back."

"My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I'm the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food."