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Joke of the Day

"[Produce Aisle] Sir, we're going to have to ask you to leave. *mouthful of like 20 grapes * ""That lady took one too!!"""

"The baby Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, ""I'm so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this..."" ""Don't worry Steve, it's not your fault."""

"You know what they say about not arguing with stupid... People on the outside might not be able to tell the difference, so go ahead and delete all your liberal friends on facebook."

"I sleep better naked. Why is this flight attendant unable to understand that?"

"Me: Yeah like that, baby. Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair* Me: *moans* Him: *growls* I'm gonna do so many-- Me: *snores, drools*"

"Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas party ? It was a scream !"

"Police officer: Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I'm just as confused as you are."

"Who was the nose's favorite Christian mystic? Nostrildamus"

"A wildebeast walks into a speed dating meetup.. he meets some good gnus and some bad gnus."

"Instagram: ""Look at my sushi!"" Vine: ""Look at my sushi for six seconds!"""